Boekrecensie: Orgieën voor Beginners

Ik moet tot mijn schande - of gebrek aan schande - bekennen dat ik nooit deel heb genomen aan een orgie. Maar toen er een boek in mijn handen belandde dat beloofde een soort Orgieën voor Dummies te zijn, werd mijn nieuwsgierigheid gewekt. De zuurstokkleurige voorkant lijkt gemaakt voor een vrolijke noot op de koffietafel, maar tenzij je bezoek over het algemeen erg vrijzinnig is, valt dit af te raden. Voor raadpleging tijdens een orgie lijkt het boek ook weinig geschikt - door het gebrek aan illustraties is het echt een werkje waar je voor moet gaan zitten.
De auteur, Simon Sheppard, is niet iemand die je snel aan het blozen krijgt: hij schreef al een paar boeken met erotische verhalen en in Kinkorama ging hij hoogstpersoonlijk op onderzoek uit in de wereld van ‘perverse’ sex (glory holes, voeten-fetish, S/M, fisten, travestieten, luiers…). Hoewel dat interessant was om te lezen, voelde ik weinig aandrang om me er zelf aan te wagen. Ik was benieuwd of het Sheppard deze keer wèl zou lukken om me te perverteren, zeker omdat een quote op de achterkant van het boek belooft: ‘Guaranteed to turn the uptightest prude into a born-again group-scene slut’.
Zowel voor organisatoren als bezoekers blijkt het maar een ingewikkelde bedoening, vol impliciete en expliciete regels over hygiëne en safe sex en een mijnenveld van gedragsregels, die afhankelijk zijn van het soort feest. Voor een - relatief - braaf mannetje als ik blijft het moeilijk voor te stellen dat je de zitkamer met plastic zakken bedekt voor een lekkere plasparty. Sheppard maakt duidelijk dat een achtergebleven vlek of twee nu eenmaal bij de nasleep hoort en ook dat in een situatie met zo veel heen en weer wippende mannen safe sex een relatief begrip blijft. Ik zal het toch bij 1-op-1 houden: meer focus en meer controle. Nou ja, en misschien eens 1-op-2, voor speciale gelegenheden. Tijdens kerstmis of zo.

Simon Sheppard:
Sex Parties 101 ISBN 1-55583-867-7
Kinkorama - Dispatches from the Front Line of Perversion ISBN 1-55583-634-8

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant, 2005)

Boekrecensie: Het Witte Paard aan de Ketting

Je bent een tijd een Happy Single, leeft je uit tot je op Romantische wijze Mr. Right tegenkomt met het Grote Hart en als het even meezit de Grote Bankrekening en/of de Grote Penis (laten we eerlijk zijn). Je adopteert misschien wat leuke koters en dan leef je samen nog lang en gelukkig. Althans, dat is hoop die veel homo-mannen hebben, maar het leven blijkt toch een stukje ingewikkelder.
Dr. Kenneth D. George schreef met Keeping Mr. Right een vervolg op zijn Mr. Right is Out There. Hij richt zich nu op het bereiken van een happily ever after met de reeds gevonden Ridder op het Witte Paard. Hij hamert vooral op het belang van het duidelijk communiceren van verwachtingen en gevoelens binnen een relatie. Hij zegt daarbij zinnige dingen, maar veel van de ‘opdrachten’ voor de lezer komen erg geitenwollensokkerig over. Verder beweert hij dat er binnen homo-relaties altijd een machtsstrijd speelt en geeft hij tips om daar mee om te gaan. Open relaties raadt hij af omdat dat al snel tot onstabiliteit zou leiden. Hij verdedigt met iets te veel nadruk relaties met een groot leeftijdsverschil - de schrijver heeft zelf een twintig jaar jongere vriend - maar een hoofdstuk over bijvoorbeeld omgaan met culturele verschillen binnen een relatie ontbreekt. Toch jammer voor de metropool-homo’s, die daar steeds vaker mee te maken krijgen.
Ik heb volgens Dr. George een succesvolle relatie (want: langer dan vijf jaar en still going strong) maar of ik door het lezen van dit boek gelukkiger zal worden, valt te betwijfelen. Voor mij liever het meer cynische, al wat oudere boek Finding True Love in a Man-Eat-Man World (1996). Het dekt met gevoel voor humor daten, seks en relaties, al is het duidelijk gedateerd door met name het ontbreken van internet in de paringsdans. Tja, cynisme of liefde met een hoog Dr. Phil-gehalte - de realiteit ligt, zoals vaak, in het midden.

Keeping Mr. Right - Dr. Kenneth D. George ISBN 1-55583-800-6
Finding True Love in a Man-Eat-Man World - Craig Nelson ISBN 0-440-50689-1

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant, 2005)

Boekrecensie: Secrets of a Gay Marine Pornstar

Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star klinkt als een boek om met één hand in je schoot te lezen. Maar dat valt mee. (Of tegen, afhankelijk van je verwachtingen.) Het is de autobiografie van Rich Merritt, in xxx-kringen beter bekend als Danny Orlis. Rich kwam in het nieuws als de anonieme spil van een ophef veroorzakend voorpagina-artikel van de New York Times, in 1998. Het illustreerde de problemen van homo’s bij de Amerikaanse marine, die door de ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’ gedwongen worden een dubbelleven te leiden.
Zijn verhulde identiteit liet zich niet al te moeilijk raden door intimi en toen het blad The Advocate er achter kwam dat Rich tijdens zijn dienstperiode mee had gespeeld in enkele porno-films, schroomden ze niet dit in de openbaarheid te gooien, met opnieuw een rel als gevolg.
Het boek begint met dit schandaal om vervolgens terug te duiken naar Rich’s streng Christelijke opvoeding aan het benauwende Bob Jones instituut. Rich heeft genoeg stof ter beschikking: masturbatie-maagd tot boven de twintig, in ontkenning over zijn homoseksualiteit tot zijn vijfentwintigste, zijn dubbelleven bij de marine, onbezonnen uitstapjes in de wereld van striptease en porno, klinische depressie, verslaving aan pillen en drank en zelfmoordpogingen.
Hoewel het boek te veel minder interessante details bevat en er een flink aantal pagina’s gesnoeid had mogen worden, blijft het je boeien, ondanks de wat droge stijl. Rich toont zich impulsief en behaagziek, soms wat arrogant, andere keren ontwapenend eerlijk en to-the-point, zoals wanneer hij toegeeft problemen te hebben gehad met voortijdig klaarkomen. Hij schijnt aan het eind van het boek zelf te denken dat hij zijn leven op de rails te heeft, maar je vraagt je als lezer af of hij toch niet nog eens zal ontsporen. Als eind-dertiger, heeft hij hopelijk nog een lange rit in het vooruitzicht.

Secrets of a Gay Marine Pornstar – Rich Merritt ISBN 0-7582-0968-1
http://www.richmerritt.com/

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant, 2005)

Boekrecensie: Heb je even voor mij?

In deze jachtige tijden heb je niet altijd de puf om je door een dikke roman heen te graven. Soms heb je alleen genoeg rust voor een literair vluggertje: een paar inspirerende citaten of goede grappen. Het zijn dit soort boeken (boekjes) die het ook goed doen op de koffietafel, om een wachtende gast te vermaken als je daar zelf even geen gelegenheid toe hebt.
The Quotable Queer bevat citaten niet alleen van maar ook over homo’s van zowel vriend als vijand. Auteur Minnie van Pileup maakt het zichzelf iets te makkelijk door veel quotes van die grappige homo’s uit het populaire Queer Eye for the Straight Guy als vulling te gebruiken. Vaak zijn deze niet leuker dan wat de gemiddelde gevatte kroegnicht uit zijn mouw kan schudden. Naast de melige en soms diepzinnige uitspraken, zijn er ook citaten te vinden uit de Amerikaanse politiek, inclusief woede opwekkende uitspraken van extreem rechts. Een interessant boekje, al zit er tussen de juweeltjes te veel nepgoud.
Voor de kattenliefhebber is er nu eindelijk een visueel hulpmiddel voor het beantwoorden van die prangende vraag: Is your Cat Gay? In een dun hardcovertje met simpele maar effectieve plaatjes worden de aanwijzingen op een rijtje gezet: ‘Is kitty appalled by anything less than sushi-quality tuna served on Limoges?’ Meer een boekje dat je zou kopen als cadeautje dan voor jezelf, maar goed voor een humoristisch vluggertje.
Persoonlijke favoriet is het mooi vormgegeven (maar wel wat duurdere) When I Knew. Stijlvolle illustraties en foto’s omlijsten typografisch creatief weergegeven anekdotes van holebi’s over het moment dat zij of mensen in hun omgeving tot de conclusie kwamen dat ze ‘anders’ waren. Soms is het een ontroerend verhaaltje, soms één gevatte zin: ‘I was officially told when my wife and boyfriend sat me down and said, “You’re gay!”.’ Dit aantrekkelijke pakketje verdient zijn weg te vinden naar menig roze koffietafel.

“The Quotable Queer”- Minnie van Pileup ISBN 159 233 12 03
Is your Cat Gay? - Charles Kreloff, Patty Brown, Victoria Roberts ISBN 074 326 40 88
When I Knew - Robert Trachtenberg, Tom Bachtell ISBN 006 057 14 62

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant, 2005)

Boekrecensie: Yaoi - Homo Manga

In principe zijn alle traditionele manga’s - dat wil zeggen, Japanse strips - ‘van de verkeerde kant’. De verhalen beginnen op wat naar westers gebruik de laatste pagina is en de plaatjes/tekstballonnen moeten tegen ons gevoel in van rechts naar links gelezen worden. Er is echter een hele stroming die ook qua inhoud van de ‘verkeerde’ kant is: Yaoi, oftewel ‘boy’s love’ verhalen. Dit genre schijnt vooral onder vrouwen in Japan populair te zijn.
De personages in deze strips zijn een absolute tegenhanger van de Tom of Finland spierbundels. De mannen zijn slank, onbehaard en hebben halflang haar dat voortdurend voor hun grote ogen met lange wimpers hangt. Ze dwepen uitgebreid en in melodramatische poses, verscheurd door hun passies en twijfels, die meestal ontstaan door een driehoeksverhouding. De verhalen zijn vrij eenvoudig en dat is maar goed ook, omdat een onervaren lezer al snel het spoor bijster zou raken door de wat rommelige manier van vertellen en vreemde schommelingen in toon. Tussen al het romantisch drama is soms ook opeens een grafisch wat verhulde maar expliciete handeling te vinden zoals een vinger die een kont in glijdt of een wat wazig weergegeven ‘echte’ penetratie.
Vooral voor de liefhebbers van soaps en strips valt het aan te raden zich een keer te wagen aan de intrigerende cultuurbotsingen die manga te bieden heeft. Wie daarna behoefte heeft aan meer diepgang, kan ik de klassieke graphic novel (geen manga) Stuck Rubber Baby aanbevelen, een coming out / coming of age verhaal dat speelt in het Amerika van de jaren zestig.

Naduki Koujima, Selfish Love vol 1 ISBN 1586649590
Kazuma Kodaka, Kizuna: Bonds of Love vol. 1 ISBN 1586649566
Shinobu Gotoh, Shoko Takaku, Passion vol. 1 ISBN 1569709785
Howard Cruse, Stuck Rubber Baby ISBN 1563892553

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant 2005)

Boekrecensie: Historische Homo Sex

De Engelse schrijver Nigel Cawthorne wordt mateloos gefascineerd door het sex- en liefdesleven van beroemdheden en hij is lang niet de enige, blijkt uit de verkoopcijfers van roddelbladen. Maar waar die bladen zich richten op minieme pseudo-ontwikkelingen van dag tot dag in het hier en nu, blikt Cawthorne liever terug op het verleden en vat de levens van de groten der aarde bondig samen. In zijn ‘Sex Lives…’ reeks, bekijkt hij amoureuze escapades van onder andere presidenten, dictators, artiesten en - jawel - pausen: ‘lots of them ­have been very bad boys’. Begin dit jaar verscheen Sex Lives of the Famous Gays en in augustus kunnen we de Famous Lesbians tegenhanger verwachten.
Hij begint Famous Gays met twee hoofdstukken over de onvermijdelijke Oscar Wilde en wijdt in verhouding de meeste pagina’s aan hem. Daarbij schippert hij soms oncomfortabel tussen volledigheid en beknoptheid. Vele namen vliegen voorbij maar er is geen ruimte om ze tot leven te brengen. De meeste andere famous gays (o.a. Rimbaud & Verlaine, J. Edgar Hoover, Yukio Mishima en Quentin Crisp) krijgen slechts zo’n tien tot twintig pagina’s toebedeeld en die aanpak werkt beter. Het zijn smaakmakende, vetvrije stukjes die je doen voornemen ooit andere, uitgebreidere biografieën over ze door te zwoegen.
Cawthorne’s schijfstijl is vlot en hij meldt met aanstekelijk plezier de wat grovere details, zoals het verslag van het anaal onderzoek waaraan Verlaine onderworpen werd om te zien of hij zich schuldig had gemaakt aan homo-seks. Hij plaatst komische terzijdes die soms minder komisch zijn dat hij denkt, maar het blijft een vermakelijk, informatief boek en is voor de beginnende homo historicus zeker de moeite waard.
Nigel Cawthorne, Sex Lives of the Famous Gays ISBN 1853755540
Sex Lives of the Famous Lesbians ISBN 1853755559

(Gepubliceerd in de Gay Krant, 2005)

Movie Review: Mambo Italiano

Though this is billed as a gay romantic comedy, it is ultimately more about family than anything else. The Story: Italian guy loves Italian guy, the families find out and shit proceeds to hit the fan. It hooked me at the start, with the silly humor, the big, colorful set pieces and the big, colorful characters, but it lost me towards the end when the narrative went off the rails. The movie starts out by making us emotionally invest (though not nearly enough) in a relationship that hits the rocks. A second love interest comes into view, but he never seems more than filler to be discarded when the first big love will return.
Some may call the unexpected ending a neat twist, others might note that the movie skews our interest the wrong way. Even worse: ultimately there isn't all that much interest to begin with, as the movie splits our attention with two love-interests for our hero, but doesn't flesh either of them out enough to make us really care. It spends the most time making us care about the stereotypical-but-admittedly-funny family drama. The movie ends suddenly at 80 minutes without any kind of big emotional payoff. As with most gay comedies intended for a wider audience, it shies away from more than a quick kiss on the lips and a hug from the romantic leads. No wild, passionate fires burning here.

Four word review: Funny, short and misguided
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330602/

Movie Review: Chicken Tikka Masala

I would love there to be more gay romantic comedies, specifically more good gay romantic comedies. Chicken Tikka Masala looked promising, going by the box. The story: an arranged marriage threatens to get in the way of the relationship between an Indian guy and his English-lad boyfriend. Me and my half-Indian boyfriend appeared to be as much the intended audience as anyone. We settled down cosily on the couch on valentine's day and the next 90 minutes seemed to last an infinity. Never did two men have só little chemistry together and they never have more than a brotherly hug on screen. The movie seems to be in the closet about its own subject matter; at some point the word 'gay' is almost used, but then the writer backs off from such a scary concept.
The clumsiness and technical incompetence is all-round: way too many close-ups, bad framing, bad lighting, perfunctory dialogue, bad music and bad editing, with some crucial scenes missing. I really, really tried to like it for the first 20 minutes or so, after that I just kept checking in with the clock to see how close we were to the promised total running time. The ending concerns an unlikely 'startling' realisation and an even more unlikely response to it and - voila - happy ending. See The Wedding Banquet for a similar story with a much bigger payoff and some actual emotional involvement. This curry? Not so hot.

Four word review: Run for your Life
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0449000/

Ironic Valentine's Day Poem

Breaking up is fun to do
Not always - but it is with you!

Once upon a little while
In a state they call Denial
Lived together you and me
Happily pretending we
Were fitting like a hand and glove
Well, I've got news for you, my love
We fit like eyes and cataract
We fit like Howard Stern and tact
You're messy, smelly, dumb and weak
How could I ever love you, freak!?
You call me names, you cheat and lie
Why don't you just fuck off and DIE!

I tried só hard to tolerate
The things about you that I hate
Because you looked so gosh-darn cute
But now my hormones have gone mute
And I see you as others do
Go pack your things, because we're through!
You're out of time
You're out of luck
So BITE ME!
For you truly SUCK!
...
But could you call me friday night?
'Cause in the sack we are só right!...

Book Review: Gay Self-Help Books

Please note: this was originally written for the bookstore that I work at, about two years ago.

Way Gay

For some it may still be the love that dare not speak its name but for a lot of writers it is now a topic blissfully devoid of shame. From subtle subtext in times less permissive to more explicit and let’s be frank - even hardcore – musings, there is a wealth of gay and lesbian books to be found in the appropriately titled ‘Gay and Lesbian’ section in our basement.

While browsing, the more easily shocked might wish to avert their eyes from the Meat Rack - the part of the section holding the sex magazines. Others might even quite enjoy taking a closer look.

Apart from many novels by famous writers such as Armistead Maupin, David Leavitt and Edmund White, there are plenty of tomes to help you become (or stay) a well-adjusted gay man or woman. Others can help you find that special someone and give advice on how to keep your relationship and sex-life at a highpoint. The following examples have been fairly randomly selected by me - a gay guy - and therefore focus on men, for which I apologize somewhat.

Gaydar is a semi-serious book that will supposedly help anyone identify a homosexual ‘in the wild’. It is potentially useful when having a crush on a guy of unknown leanings, for both gay men and straight women. The writer plays around with stereotypes while keeping it clear that they are – in fact – just that. Don’t expect great veracity or depth, but it is rather handsomely illustrated and designed, making it a great coffee-table book or gift.

Also on the lightweight-but-fun side is Sex Tips for Gay Guys. In a slightly sarcastic style, it covers mostly the art of pick-ups and the art of getting laid, but it is more amusing than useful. There is also a large section on – once again – gay stereotypes and what to expect when dealing with any of these subspecies. Since a lot of these types are specifically American, they will be of relatively little use in Europe. If it is more than lust you’re after, Boyfriend 101 will be your cup of strong manly tea. Although the tone is a bit preachy and affirmative – “yes we are all beautiful in our own way and deserve love and you too can find…”, etc. – there are actually useful pointers in here that might help get you in the right frame of mind for finding someone and playing for keeps, such as: don’t sleep with a guy until after the third date. Simple, but – so I’ve heard – effective. It also presents a time-schedule with the troubles you might find yourself dealing with during each phase of a relationship.

More wry is Finding True Love in a Man-Eat-Man World. It goes into great detail about the importance of communication in a relationship – on how to have a ‘good’ fight, for example - and deals head-on with the fact that – apparently - after a certain amount of years virtually 0% of gay relationships are actually monogamous. It explains that this does not have to diminish the relationship in any way and suggests what arrangements can be made to best accommodate the polygamous among us. (Hands up anyone who really, really isn’t.)

Whether you want to keep your sex-life sparkling after years of being together or are trying to impress a new lover, Going Down might be just what you need. It has its tongue firmly in its cheek, but only style-wise. For this is a book all about blow jobs. Interesting techniques and an anatomy lesson are padded with lots of titillating anecdotes and statistics. But be careful whom you give this to – they might take it as criticism. Better to leave it ‘carelessly’ lying around for your man to find.

And so we come to The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men. Not exactly a coffee-table book, unless you really want to make your guests blush. It does have some interesting things to say. For instance: the author claims that less gay men do this sort of thing than one might think, while a surprising amount of straights do. And did you know that some Chinese men enjoy the occasional relaxing prostate massage from their wives? Though it delves into its subject matter more deeply than most people will feel comfortable with, it is indispensable reading for aficionados.

So come pick up any of these titles, find a nice beach or terrace to read on and don’t let your attention be distracted by that cute guy who just came walking by. Unless you plan to ask him to help you practice.

Gaydar - Donald F. Reuter
Sex Tips for Gay Guys – Dan Anderson
Boyfriend 101 – Jim Sullivan
Finding True Love in a Man-Eat-Man World – Craig Nelson
Going Down: Instinct Guide to Oral Sex - Ben Rogers and Joel Perry
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men – Bill Brent

Making an Online Profile

How, oh, how to create a winning profile... Let's start with the do's and don'ts for the aspiring and/or ambitious online dater.

PICTURES
First of all, men are visual creatures, so their first judgement on your level of interest will come from a quick once over, much as in real life. Shallow? Well, yes, but also a fact of life. You can protest it all you want, but it won't - ultimately - do you much good. If the person who reads your profile is not impressed by the pictures, odds are he won't stick around to read your profile-text. If you have a low opinion of your own looks, just keep in mind that people have wildly different tastes and that you will fit some of those tastes. If you have a wonderful personality - great for you, and it will come to much use for ultimate staying power and actually reeling somebody in for the long term. However, in the beginning, without a presentable exterior you will be screwed. Or not, as the case may be. Now firmly into the 21st century, there is no excuse for not having digital images of yourself. Failing a decent digital camera, webcams are cheap and if handled properly can be good enough in case of emergency. The properly part is important though, fuzzy pictures made by the light of a candle will make anyone look like Frankenstein. Get a second opinion, if possible.
Look like you
The trick is to present yourself positively, without straying too far from what you actually look like at this moment. Pictures from ten years ago when you were much cuter are only allowed if they come with a time machine. And if, by the use of various kinds of direct and indirect lighting you can make yourself look like a sexgod, it is still going to disappoint when, without all this trickery, in real life you look like Mr Joe Average from Blandsville. A couple of clear shots that show different sides of you - literally and figuratively - will be the most effective. Include at least one picture that shows pretty much all of you, clothing optional. Parts not seen (face, chest, stomach) might be assumed to have hidden (perceived) flaws.
Avoid pictures apparently taken with a satellite, featuring you as a dot in the distance, or pictures that obscure the face with glasses, hats, bandana's, boas and/or other accessoires. Coy equals irritating. Also annoying are the 'not me but what I like' pictures in profiles. Trust me: nobody cares. And if there IS actually a picture of you on the profile too - think about how you will look by comparison next to Mr. Dream Guy.
Clothing optional
Your level of nakedness will determine how seriously people will take you. If you are looking for just friends or a serious relationship and want to screen out those cruising for sex, keep your clothes on. Should you feel frisky on some nights and want something more 'now' and less 'forever', you could always keep a shirtless-or-even-more-naked picture ready to send to your suitors.
If you are just looking for sex and have a particulary impressive chest, dick or ass, you could of course present this to the public, since it is your selling-point. However most people, even those looking for one-offs, will be wanting to see your face before committing to a real meeting. And if you won't show your face in your profile together with your naked parts - to keep your reputation somewhat intact - they'd better be impressive to grab the attention. There are plenty of faceless torso's out there on the net.
Also be aware that there are many different levels of nakedness. Having your ass spread open to the viewer will be a big turn-off to a lot of people. Possibly even to some hot tops who would have happily shagged you if you'd kept it a little bit more classy. On the other hand - so to speak - if you are looking for a sleazy top from the fisting-crowd, classy might be a turn-off. Consider your audience: who do you want to attract, and what would they find attractive?
Anonymous
If you are not willing to show your face online or don't have any pictures at all, don't expect much patience and understanding from those who have laid it all out there. Any kind of extra effort in exchanging pictures will have to be yours. Some people don't like dabbling with msn or yahoo or such messengers, especially when someone hasn't been 'seen' yet. And it can be more hurtful if someone - once on msn or the like - takes one quick look at you and comes out with a polite - if you're lucky - version of 'Ah, no way in hell. Bye.'

TEXT
In your profile text, be clear, to the point and focus on what you want, rather than on what you don't want. Nobody will be running a spell-check on your profile - we can only hope - but full sentences will gain you perceived intelligence points. Poems in your profile and endless incoherent rambles in punctuation-less chat-speak will make you come off as a goofball. Unless you happen to actually be a funny goofball, this is generally not considered a plus.
The more specific you are about what you are looking for, the more people you might 'lose', but you will also have to sift through less non-matching responses. But be succint, since most visitors to your profile will bail if there is too much text, or at least not read it properly before sending you a line. It is okay to ignore these kind of responses, but also okay to forgive the responder for not reading properly and to give him a chance, especially if he is extremely hot.
If you do not have any text in your profile at all people will assume that you are either a fake, a flake or just a voyeur.
Be pc
Try to be somewhat politically correct. If you stated that you like big hairy men, you do not need to explicitly state that you are generally not attracted to Asian men. And this way, who knows, you could run into the big, hairy Asian man of your dreams. Just because certain types of men aren't to your taste, that doesn't mean you have to be a bitch about it. Stating that you like masculine men comes across a lot more friendly than 'no sissies'. And saying you like in-shape guys is a lot friendlier than saying 'no fatties'. In short, even if you are an amazingly handsome guy with a great body and a huge dick, remember that big dicks are only fun when they don't come attached to a big asshole. Well... most of the time. And being rude does not equal being masculine, girls!

STATS, HOBBIES etc
And here's the part where people really start lying their little asses off...
THAT size
It's interesting to note right off the bat that far more than 50% of the gay guys online have a Large dick. Since Medium means middle, and statistically speaking 50% of men should be around Medium size, this is a puzzling phenomenon. Also note that there are virtually no Small dicks to speak off. So in interpreting a profile, be aware that guys who have XXL, XL and L in their profile might have to be taken down one notch, possibly two. When you see M in a profile, it might be an S in diguise, or just someone who has a realistic image of himself in that area. So, what to fill in, eh? Well, as with all of internet dating, it's best to go with the truth. If you feel you are in a grey area between sizes, it is okay to flatter yourself a little. But this is one area where you definitely do not want a look of disappointment when the pants go down. Instant mood-kill.
Of course, you can also fill in nothing. This tends to be interpreted as a flaw being hidden, but somebody who doesn't fill in his 'size' doesn't necessarily have a small dick, he might just think it none of your business. In some confirmed cases, guys with XXL dicks consciously leave this titbit out because they do NOT want their main selling point to be that they have a huge dick. Mull that over, size queens!
If someone is going to reject you over something that is totally out of your control, you might as well get rid of him at the door, a.k.a. your profile. For comparison, statistical averages can be found online.
Length
It can be hard to tell someone's overall size without a frame of reference and it's not easy to see it from someone's pictures. I think there tends to be less lying in this area because in this case not many people will care about an inch more or less, and big lies are very easily disproved even before the bed comes into view. Just be honest, since once again there is nothing much you can change about it. Those interested in your profile should accept it as-is or move on to pastures taller or shorter, depending on their taste.
Age
There is a lot of lying about this, sometimes to avoid the chop of a search engine, but most often because of the vanity and insecurity of the people who are lying. If, as an older gentleman, someone who visits your profile fancies you because of the text or pictures, then an extra year or two won't make a difference to him, so no point in fibbing. It will, however, look a bit sad when/if he finds out about your little grey lie. Subtracting more than a year or two will increase chances of being 'caught' and increase chances of you being pitied. A secure older man can be hot, an insecure older man who wants to be a boy can not. And filling in random numbers to protest against agism, accompanied by a diatribe in your profile text, is not going to win you any respect. Just accept and own the age you're at.
The shape you're in
Don't oversell yourself in this area, since your build tends to be bloody obvious from the photos in the profile. If you claim you are 'muscled' while your pictures show you to be 'stocky' or 'heavy', you will come off deluded and will be fooling exactly no-one. And a 'normal' body looks different to an 'athletic' one, at least to people who work out. This is one aspect you have at least some influence on, so if you feel embarrassed about what you have to fill in here, don't tell a bold-faced lie, but work on yourself.
Relationship status
Once again being honest about this would save everybody a lot of hassle. It sucks to be looking for a relationship, to have a great dinner with a great guy and to be told afterwards: oh, by the way, I actually have a boyfriend.
If you have an open relationship, make clear that it is indeed all out in the open, because some people might feel bad about being party to cheating ('cheating' meaning not playing by the rules as set in the relationship) and skip your profile.
To clear up any confusion about being just out of a relationship or single but not looking or looking but not single or an all-out sex-addict or what-have-you, you should specify your mindset in the text of your profile.
Hobbies, interests, beliefs
If you are looking just for sex, you might not care what you write down here. But if you're looking for anything more, from a friend to a boyfriend or even a fuckbuddy, it will be a good way to see if you have anything in common with your prospective visitor, something that will make you bond for longer than a round or two of hide-the-salami. It will also give someone who is interested in your profile a good way to contact you and give him something to start a conversation.
Your role/position
In the gay scene, being top (masculine) carries more status than being bottom (supposedly un-masculine). So in filling out their 'position', men tend to err on the side of top-ness. Meaning that a 'top' might well be a bit 'versatile', a 'versatile/top' is probably a lot versatile, a 'versatile' more bottom and a 'bottom' is likely to be a BOTTOM. But ultimately a lot of people 'go-with-the-flow' anyway when the going gets sexy.
Fetishes/ kinks
In sharing your kinkiness with the world, please note that, the more unusual your particular kink, the less likely your reader is to share it. You might be willing to go 'vanilla' for them, but they might be turned off by you being a bit kinky in that way. More kinks means less people interested but more chance of meeting similar perverts.
Safe sex
Not all sites offer the option to give your preference for this, but they should. Perhaps they fear that it makes it easier for barebackers to find eachother this way, but at least it singles them out for those who want to avoid that sort of thing.
First of all though, be aware that most people who 'slip up now and then' will still be filling in 'always' here. And opinions differ on what is safe sex. Some people let guys cum in their mouths and/or swallow under the impression that this is safe. (Which it is not, going by current knowledge.) And some guys in relationships have bare sex with their boyfriend but safe with others, and still only semi-correctly claim they 'always' have safe sex. 'Always' does not mean you should not be watching your ass.
As for those for whom safe sex 'needs discussion' or who 'never' have safe sex, keep in mind that not only are they more likely to have a STD, but they are apparently also not fans of/regularly experienced with condoms. So if you are STD-free, you will need to make sure they respect you and your health. If you have HIV and figure 'what the hell', remember that mixing different variants and getting an extra dose of the virus might still not exactly be what the doctor ordered and might make you resistant to treatments.
Health status
Not many sites ask you to give your 'status', but some do, meaning - specifically - HIV. For understandable fear of rejection, a lot of poz men will not want to be open about their status. As someone who is neg, it can be scary going into a sex situation knowing beforehand that someone is poz. But if you get to know them well enough to be sure that they take medication and have a low virus count - consider that they are less likely to have an infectuous level of HIV than a random guy from online with unknown status. No matter what status someone has: be safe.